I realize that 32 years old isn’t really that old. But I spent a lot of the day today trying to remember how I got the scars on my body. Not just the big one that runs vertical through my abdomen. I mean the little ones. Like the inch long one on the outside of my knee that I got when I was 5. Some neighbor girl was messing with my swing chain and my leg rubbed against an exposed nut and bolt and I didn’t know it. Or the funky scar on my right ring finger that I got when I cut my finger on a broken glass while doing dishes when I was 11.
What about the scars you can’t see? My physical scars have faded and became a part of who I am but the other scars. The hard lessons in life that had to bring such a momentous change in me that it altered my life afterward. Like when I was little and skinny but my nose was so much larger than my face. I was picked on constantly about it. Or the time when I broke out of being shy and tried out for the cheerleading squad in High School. What the world didn’t know is that the reason my breasts were so large was because I had a huge ovarian cyst removed at age 13 and hormones escaped and my development went in overdrive. I was fully developed by 10th grade. Unfortunately I was picked on for my large chest. To this day I don’t wear form fitting clothing because I am still self conscious about it.
And then the emotional scars that changed for the better. About ten years ago I was a different person than I am now. I was a mom but my oldest was only 3 or 4 and I was the kind of mom that would yell and spank. I didn’t know any better, its how I was raised. I was also a working mom at the time and lost my focus. It took my husband lying and saying the meanest things he could and LEAVING for me to wake up and realize what a piece of crap person I was being to myself and others. I couldn’t believe I let my focus change for a job that stressed me to no end and ONLY PAID 7 DOLLARS AN HOUR. Thankkfully we are still a family and we love eachother but it took me taking an emotional scar like that to change me as a person, as a mom, and as a wife.
I still have work to do. I still have things to improve. But in looking at my scars and thinking back on my life and the events that led to them all I realize in those scars I am not perfect. And you know what? That’s okay. My kids don’t care that my skin isn’t flawless and understand I am grouchy sometimes. My husband will flirt with me when I feel my absolute ugliest. Its in acceptance with the people close to me that the scars are beautiful.
This is a wonderful and very well written blog, thank you for publishing it. I too have scars that you can’t see and I also have scars that are viable. I must say the emotional scars are the worst.
I’m only twenty-seven and for twenty years of my life I was sexually, mentally, and physically abused by a monster. He took pride in brainwashing me and it was to an extent that with his forced drugs I thought he was my God and my only purpose was his abuse. One year ago he left me in a ditch to die, I crawled out of that ditch with determination to live and was found. This was when another scar begin the court and police.
My scars can easily be seen as to cope with the above I was a cutter. They do not measure up to emotional scars because unlike emotional scars they fade.
You can improve, it takes determination and it takes focus; the desire to succeed which I see in your words. You will have pitfalls and bumps but I see this as our learning process. I am having to learn to relive my life at my age, I was also diagnosed as terminal in 2004. I refuse to give up. Stay strong.
Amanda/ @Hollywood__Chic *two underscores*
http://hollywoodglamorous.blogspot.com
Contact me at any time, at the email I provided together we can work through this.
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Thank you for your kind words Amanda. I think you are awesome for not giving up and being “bigger” than your scars. You are very strong!
What a great post! You really have me thinking about my visible and invisible scars.
what a great post! it is very true – we all have our physical scars and emotional scars that we carry with us everyday.
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Love this post Candy! My most visable scar is my C-Section scar and I will forever carry that one close to my heart. I do have times when I wish I could have vag births, ya know, but the fact I have 2 healthy children means the world to me!
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Hi! Thanks for joining in the fun at Friendly Friday. I’m following you now on GFC and would love to have you follow me too.
~ Charla
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Candy what a wonderful and heartfelt post. Made me think about my scars as wee. Both the good and the bad ones. Thanks for posting.
Kas
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Candy, this is an empowering post. I think about my scars, both physical and metal everyday. They make me who I am, so I don’t regret them, but sometimes they DO take a toll on me!
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Hi Candy…what a GREAT and HONEST post…so many people blogging would never show their “truth” like this. I was a young mom too, and I was not very patient back then. As I continued to have the wonderful family I did, I became more relaxed and realized I did NOT have to pull all the damage, self doubt, and poor choices my parents, teachers, and even HUSband forced on me into my life or kids’s lives. I learned a LOT and am still a MOM in progress. I am almost 50 with 6 kids, aged 10 to 29. I have tons of scars, both physical & not, and they have molded me into the person, wife, and MOM I am today. You never are too grateful for these lessons until you can look back and see this. THANKS for this post…I am just visiting your blog and backtracking to learn about you, your family, and blog.
I also have a son named Coltton, mine spelled with two t’s. Your kids are beautiful!